Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions. Some reactions do not affect all survivors. What you can expect:

Shock is a very common and immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented, and may have trouble concentrating. You may find making lists of daily chores helpful.

Symptoms of depression includ: disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy. It may be difficult yet helpful, if you make it a purpose to do something in memory of your loved one, may be helpful.

Anger towards the deceased, other family members, a therapist, or yourself. Families frequently become disfunctional and marriages break up. We must to remember that we need each other at this time.

Relief, is sometimes experienced, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness. Soemtimes when the difficulties surrounding the care of the loved one were very overwhelming. For this reason, relief is sometimes a response. We shouldn't feel guilty if we feel relief.

Guilt, including thinking, "If only I had?." Guilt is the most difficult response to deal with. Remembering that you did the best you could at the time, with the information in which you had at the time, may be helpful.

It takes time for these feelings to decrease in intensity or to diminish. They will settle some as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.

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"Who better to soften the wound of another
Than he who has suffered the wound himself?"

Thomas Jefferson

Why Did My Loved One Die By Suicide?

Suicide is often poorly understood and some survivors feel victimized by stigma. They may feel the suicide is somehow shameful, or that they or their family are somehow to blame for this tragedy. The stigma can be overcome through educating ourselves and those around us.

90 percent of all people who die by suicide have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death (most often depression or bipolar disorder). Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, people can die as a consequence of mental illness. Suicide is almost always complicated, resulting from a combination of painful suffering, desperate hopelessness and underlying psychiatric illness.

Artist: Katherine Batchelor
Wellsford, New Zealand

Katherine called it "Hanging By A Thread" (one thread is frayed) but I don't like that word. I see it as "Stretched To The Limit - which is what grief does to us.
The hair, if you look at each bit sticking out, is either an arm or leg, all of the hair is cut-outs like a doll or gingerbread man, representing the people that come and go in our lives. Janine

Janine's son and only child died by suicide.
Cory James Chappell-Dunning,
April 01, 1978 ~ August 11, 1999

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Coping With Suicide Loss

You may find that it helps to reach out to family and friends. Because some people may not know what to say, you may need to take the initiative to talk about the suicide, share your feelings, and ask for their help. And remember. It is ok to cry.

Even though it may seem difficult, maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide. We need someone who will be supportive to help hold us up.

Each person grieves in his or her own way. Some people visit the cemetery weekly; others find it too painful to go at all. Some become workaholics and some can not find the strength to go to work. Be patient and gentle with yourself. If you feel you are completely overwhelmed, seek professional help.

Each person also grieves at his or her own pace; there is no set rhythm or timeline for healing. Some people will skip some steps and never feel some of the emotions.

Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be especially difficult, so you might want to think about whether to continue old traditions or create some new ones. You may also experience unexpected waves of sadness; these are a normal part of the grieving process.

Children experience many of the feelings of adult grief, and are particularly vulnerable to feeling abandoned and guilty. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. Listen to their questions, and try to offer honest, straightforward, age-appropriate answers. It is better for them to hear the truth from you then someone who may present the facts in a not so kind manner.

Some survivors find comfort in community, religious, or spiritual activities, including talking to a trusted member of the clergy. Talking is a wonderful outlet for all that we have pent up inside.

Be kind to yourself. When you feel ready, begin to go on with your life. Eventually starting to enjoy life again is not a betrayal of your loved one, but rather a sign that you've begun to heal. This is not to say that you have forgotten them. Your loved one would want you to be content and even feel joy. They would not want you to be condemned to the same intense pain in which they suffered.

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I am a survivor of suicide I know how you feel
Your life has changed and nothing seems real
The first few months you were full of grief and despair
Everywhere you looked hoping they would be there
You would catch yourself looking at others their age
Your heart now broken your mind full of rage
Each day that you awake and slowly went by
You felt like saying now it's my turn to die
Your pain so deep your sorrow so new
You don’t understand that this happened to you
Holidays come and their birthday goes by
That first year after all you do is cry
You would never think that their would be
A time when you wouldn't be so lonely
The pain and sorrow does lessen with time
But the day they died is always on your mind
No answers are found you search far and wide
You will never understand why they chose to die
Doctors and shrinks all talk the same jive
They have no clue their kids still alive
Even the clergy falls flat on it's face
To them they think it's such a disgrace
So where do you turn when nobody understands
To a place on the net where we walk hand in hand
For we were once new to grief like you
For we have been there this is sadly true
Now we are here to guide and ease your pain
For we are like you and will never be the same

© Robert Walters Sr.
I found my Son and Cried, but I wish it was I who died!
Dad of Robbie - Hanging 8/16/1973 - 12/14/2002
Memorial Site

It is an invasion and goes beyond my heart, mind and body. It stormed into my very soul and took over without warning. People keep trying to tell me how to deal with it. How to get rid of it. How to get over it. As if it can be cured. These are not the regular basic germs that intrude upon your life by creating havoc within your body and immune system. These are much worse. There are no drugs, no antibiotics to fight it. The battle to take ‘over’ began without warning. There was no time to prepare. There is no proven way to escape or to eliminate the devastation left behind. I have been damaged and will never again be whole. Yet, my outward appearance lends no clue to this fact. My life continues each day despite the war within. This invasion is a stranger, an unwelcome guest…it is grief. A grief I was forced into it by the death of my son. A death by suicide. A death chosen by him. No warnings. Just the words ‘your son is dead. He killed himself.’

I hear so many good intentions of how to ‘get over it’ or ‘not think about it.’ If only they understood. I do not sit in a darkened room and dwell on my loss. I try so hard not to think about his last moments, what he thought, how he did it, etc. I can understand how unhealthy those thoughts are. How easily they take over and distract you from life. I understand and try to be so thankful for the 16 years of his life and the memories that go with those years. I want to move past the loss and remember his life and his love. I try to focus on my daughter, husband, family and friends who are living. But despite my best intentions, the invasion is always there. It erupts when least expected. It battles the positive, the good and the healing. It thrusts its ugly being into my thoughts, which momentarily takes my breath away each time. I challenge the grief everyday by making it through each day. I attempt to continue on and bring my ‘life’ back. I understand that I have been changed and I accept that fact. I know that the person I will become will be a better and stronger individual. But this grief greedily seeks out my new self and batters at my very soul. It wants me…all of me. And I refuse to surrender.

© EA Gay
November 4, 2004 8:32am