Jay D. Jacobson ~ In Loving Memory

Remembering Jay D. Jacobson With Love, In My Paradise

Welcome to my paradaise, a safe place where I share my thoughts and feelings freely about my beloved nephew, Jay D. Jacobson. Many of my thoughts are of sadness but there are also many beautiful memories that I would like to share. Peace is a wonderful healing tool. The peace that I find in creating this site is hard to explain, I only know that it releases all of the emotions that I have pent up inside. It lightens my load as I journey through life as a suicide survivor, searching for answers and understanding in regards to this horrible tragedy. In building these pages, I don't need to worry about making anyone uneasy when I mention Jay's name, no one will pass judgement on me or tell me to get over it and move on... I can express all that I feel and it comforts me to know that someone may be saved from suicide by visiting Jay. Jay's story begins on the second page. In reading Jay's story, you will find why I understand, to some degree, Jay died. This doesn't mean that I accept the fact that it had to happen. It only means that I think I know what he was dealing with and why he felt there was no other choice. If he had only called for help one more time, I would have helped him through this too...

This is a serene place in which we may visit Jay and memories of him. It is a place of beauty and love. Jay freely shared his love and friendship with most anyone who crossed his path in life. In sharing, I hope that Jay touches each visitor in the way he touched me and others. I hope that each visitor, will feel the power of Jay's love, through these writings.

Here, I do not have to hide my pain. Here, my feelings do matter. Here is the place, where Jay can be remembered with love, after all, this is truly about his life and what led him to Heaven at such a young age. This is my gift to my dear nephew, Jay. I couldn't give him much on this earth, but my love and understanding. Now, this is the best that I can do, now that he is Heaven. These pages are in honor and memory of you, dearest Jay, may you find comfort in the Father's arms.

In my pain and deep thoughts, I hope to find the correct words that may reach out to those who may be suicidal. I hope that this site will help them realize that their life is worth living. I pray that they will also see that there is hope through difficult times. I feel that many of us think about taking our life at some point but then something wonderful and glorious comes along and we change our mind. Sometimes, that wonderful thing may be something as simple as a plump, red robin singing his morning song as he greets the new day. God sends us reasons to live, we just have to be observant to see them and realize them for what they are. Fidning comfort in the simple things, is the beginning of enjoying life, one moment at a time.

Even if it feels like no one loves you, you will see through my writings about Jay, that people do love you. You only need to look around you and feel with your heart to see those that would wonder hopelessly through life without you. Those that will always feel guilt and regret about things they should have or could have done to help, but weren't given the opportunity due to how quick the events occurred. There is only one you, you are unique. You and the role you play in life can not be replaced. Let the love of others help you through your hour of darkness and despair. Reach out and let someone know, that you need them.

If you are feeling like you need someone and there is no one close by, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK ( 1-800-273-8255 ) or the national Hopeline at 1-800-Suicide ( 1-800-784-2433 ) or call 911. Life really can be different, if you reach out for help. There are people that will help you and there is nothing to be ashamed of. They truly understand and care about you.

If you are someone who self-injures, please call 1-800 Dont-Cut ( 1-800-366-8288 ). You are also invited to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK ( 1-800-273-8255 ). Staff are waiting to visit with you and want to work with you in hopes of helping you to stop hurting yourself. There is help!

To locate online support groups for suicide survivors, suicide attempters or self-injurers, please click on the "Links" button at the bottom of each page.

To learn more about mental health and suicide related issues, please click the "Back" button at the bottom of this page.

To access many various memorial webpages used as healing tools for suicide survivors and to locate open discussion forums, please click the "Home" button at the bottom of this page.

May all who visit this site, find peace, love and understanding.

Brenda Reeves, Jay's Aunt and Legal Guardian In Life

The Most Glorious Star In The Sky

Late at night, I sit and look to the sky,
Watching the sparkling stars and wondering why.

The stars twinkle, ever so beautiful and bright,
The biggest and brightest one, I won't let out of my sight.

Look, it glows, just like your fabulous smile once did,
"It's your star, I know it is", says a voice in my head.

Is that you, are you really there, guiding my way?
The star strobes excitedly, "Yes, and for always!", it appears to say.

You may be gone from this Earth, but you did not die,
For I know now, you are the most glorious star in the sky.

© Brenda Reeves 06-06-2004
In Loving Memory of Jay D. Jacobson
07-31-1978 ~ 03-04-2002
South Dakota, USA

Prayer For Those Affected By Suicide

Lord of life and death, a very dear part of my own life has died, my soul is weighed down with sorrow, send to me your angel of consolation for the pain is heavy and deep.

Lord in Your Mercy hear my prayer, Help me Lord, for I do not seek to understand the why of this mystery of death as much as I desire to accept it in a holy way and to be healed and once again whole.

Lord, in Your Mercy hear my prayer, Support me my Lord and God, and wrap me in Your gentle love as I attempt to carry this bitter cross as Your Son, Jesus, carried the cross which You gave to Him.

Lord, in Your Mercy hear my prayer, may those who died in torment of mind and soul find in the Saviour's love, forgiveness and reconciliation and may the hand of destruction be taken by the hand of the man from Galilee and gently brought to the peace which passes all understanding.

Lord, in Your Mercy hear my prayer...

By Reverend Peter Rhys Thomas

PRAYER FOR THOSE CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE

O Lord and Giver of Life, may we all recognize
the great value of the life you have given to each one of us. But look in a special way on those who no longer find any meaning in the life they are leading.

You can see every movement of the human heart and you know what depths of despair, discouragement, frustration, loneliness, or self-hate have led them to the edge they are standing on.

Have mercy on them and open their eyes to see that the road has not ended. Fill their hearts with new hope. Place people in their lives who will love them with your own love, and who will give them a reason to live again. Make them know they are worthwhile and needed.

And Lord, if you wish to use me as your instrument in touching someone, feel free to do so.

Amen

Author Unknown

Meditation for Suicide Survivors

We have walked through the garden of our loved one together.
But if we have done our work properly, we have learned much about ourselves from our pain.
My mother planted her garden with fear, pain and anger.
I can do the same if I choose, but then my children would suffer the same as I have.
I want a prettier, healthier garden this time.

Affirmation
I will plant strength and courage.
I will fertilize it with love.
I will share its beauty with everyone who needs it.

By Kirsten Derrek
From Dancing With The Skeleton, © Centering Corporation, 402-553-1200
Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, NE

Please Don't Judge Me

"Don't judge me for how I left this world,
Remember the love I gave
A lot of grief will follow me
for the decision that I made
Changes appear in everyone's life
Some good, some bad
The one I chose for myself
made everyone very sad
But in time memories will heal the hurt of hearts
And my presence will be felt by all with an inner peace
Remember me when the sun is bright and laughter fills the air
And a moonlit night and a whisper of wind
Will tell you I am there
Don't look down on my family
Or fill their hearts with blame
For my leaving them without good-byes
They will never be the same
If I could go back in time
I'd say a last good-bye
I'd tell them to look to tomorrow
And for me.....do not cry..."

Author Unknown

"And I look at the world and it makes me cry.
I cry Crystal Tears because of what I see.
I know about your tears of grief;
I know about the many times you think My Plan For You is not fair.
But believe me, I never wanted so much Anger between you added to your hurting hearts.
All I wish for is your trying to have Peace as Life on earth is hard enough without all the Anger, without all the Fighting; without making Life even harder for each other.
Please, give me a Reason to stop My Crystal Tears."

Author Unknown

An Ocean of Grief

I cautiously watch the water
as it moves along the shore
creeping closer to the sand
around my feet.

Beyond the crashing waves, where
the water is deepest green
the ocean mirrors the depths
of my grief.

For grief is like the ocean,
sorrow coming in like waves,
sometimes gentle like a ripple
on the sea.

Other times it just engulfs me
with crushing waves of sadness
and undertows of despair
wash over me.

Some days I wade out in it,
splashing memories with my feet,
recalling days of sunshine
on my face.

Stepping through the foamy edges
never venturing out so far
that larger waves can threaten
their embrace.

Then, when I least expect it
this freak of nature soaks me
in reality so painful
that I fall.

The myriad of emotions
that I've fought with day to day
surge through me in a tidal
free-for-all.

One day when I'm much stronger
and my grief is not so new,
I'll swim just like I used to
do before.

I'll take pleasure in the memories,
and tread water in those places
that we can't share together
anymore.

Is This The Path To Healing?

Is this the path to healing,
Or is it a roller coaster ride?
Up and down go our feelings,
Our emotions, we can not hide.

An hour ago we were content,
But now the tears freely flow.
Why wasn't a message sent,
Why did our loved one's go?

Each turn on this path is very strong,
Leading to a different healing stage.
We wonder where we went wrong,
And sometimes guilt feelings rage.

Darkness and pain, this path contains,
Sunshine only glimmers for a moment.
Light slowly peeking in and healing strains.
In time, light becomes more frequent.

Someday, on this path to healing,
Sadness turns to joy and happiness.
Induced by our sharing intimate feelings,
And path travelers touching with kindness.

Please click on the "Next" button below to visit Jay.

Please sign Jay's guestbook, on the following pages, before you go on your way.

May the Lord bless you with pleasant and peaceful days ahead.

Memory Candles

We have lit these five candles in honor of you, we lit one for our GRIEF, one for our COURAGE,
one for our MEMORIES, one for our LOVE and one for HOPE.

The first candle represents our GRIEF. The pain of losing you is intense.
It reminds us of the depth of our love for you. "Our joy and our sorrow are inseparable."

The second candle represents our COURAGE - to confront our sorrow - to comfort each other -
to change our lives. "Even like a chain we are as weak as our weakest link. This is but half the truth.
We are also as strong as our strongest link."

The third candle lit is in your MEMORY - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other - the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us. This light is also for the memories that never were. Even though our memories can bring pain, in time we will look upon our memories of you as yesterday's gifts to the heart.

The fouth light is the light of LOVE. As we enter each new day, we cherish the special place in our
hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift of your love. We thank you for
the joy your living brought to each of us.

The fifth candle is the light of HOPE. It reminds us of love, and memories of you that are ours forever.
May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever.
We love you and will always keep you close in our hearts.

Author Unknown

**NOTE: The following graphics on this page are not a part of the original backgound set:
Praying hands, animated blue star and the candle globe.

Midi: Ebb Tide
Performance by unknown artist.