 To Our New Year's Reflections And Hopes
For some, we know we should be celebrating as we are moving into a new year, but we have suffered a terrible loss to a horrid tragedy. We are the survivors, left behind, after someone close to us died by suicide. We suffer though each new year, with guilt and unanswered questions. If we live to be 100 years old, we will never find the answers that we so desperately need. Our New Year's Reflections And Hopes was created as a healing tool for survivors and to help them through the transition of a new year. Survivors are invited to submit reflections, future hopes & dreams, resolutions, or whatever they would like in regards to their thoughts and feelings about the passing of another year. If you would like to submit an entry, click on the email button at the bottom of the page and send your submission, loved one's name, their dates and your name with your relationship to your loved one. We will add your submission at our first available moment. All survivors are welcome to participate. You need not be a member of our organization or any of our affiliates to send a submission.
 A New Year
New Year's resolutions? I hear my friends resolving to lose weight, stop smoking, be better organized .... My problems aren't that specific. I'll make my resolutions one day at a time-to survive that day the best way I can, hoping that when nightfall comes, I will have felt that extra bit of strength to make it through the times when the pale cuts through like a knife. I've come far this past year...we talk about him with ease now ... his name does not bring the choking rage of tears ... his memories have become precious. And most of the time I carry the pain well; when it begins to stalk me now, like an animal with its prey, I search frantically in my memory banks for the sound of his laughter and the warmth of his love. It always seems to be very near, hovering over me like a protective coating; and I whisper, "Son, I love you, please know that I love you." And he knows. That simply is all. All there ever was, and all there ever will be - LOVE. It has more dimensions now than before his death .... It reaches farther than an earthly plane, and it encompasses a broader horizon. But it all began with the gift of my firstborn, Todd. And the true understanding of its strength came with the death of my firstborn, Todd. He gave me love. He gave me all. I wish you each day of the New Year, a sense of peace, contentment, and a new-found happiness, the courage to rebuild your shattered lives, and the belief that it is possible ... knowing love is forever, separation is never totally complete. ©Brenda Holland, TCF Piedmont Chapter, Concord, NC
The Year Before Last
The holiday season is approaching,
I dread this New Year's Day
After you first left me,
But on last New Year's Day,
They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will they even listen, should I not look them
Those words that we use
Will they understand that's why I cry?
Author Unknown
My hopes and dreams are that I get moved into an Apartment real soon. And that I can help more people through their grief. David is greatly missed. I hope that he has found peace at last. And the demons are all gone. I wish he could let me know that he is ok, and with our Mother.
Pamela K.Cabrera
New Year's has always meant starting over...but I never dreamed it would mean starting a year that Wayne would never see...or living through days that Wayne would never experience. Last year, I think I was hoping for some huge revelation or some 'light bulb' of understanding to come with the stroke of midnight...but all I found was tears as the year began without my dear son. This year, I hope and pray that I will be able to see the New Year as a year to make a difference...to help and encourage other survivors....and to mainly use my gifts and talents to make something of Wayne's life...and to make him proud. He is too special to be forgotten and he is too loved to not be important just because he is no longer living.
Ann Gay
I can't believe I am facing another New Year without you by my side. We always did go out and have a great time and I will still do that. Because you Scott challenged me to be a better person and to have compassion for everyone I will continue to do what I can to help others suffering the same kind of loss. Even though you are not physically in this world... it's still a better place because of you and I hope you can see the positive things that are happening out of our tragedy. I love you my darling Scott, I will see you again someday but now I have work to finish.
Connie Fricke
I began DBT Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy Sept/04 and it has changed my life. Having lost my father to heart attack at 36 when I was 11, and my mother took her life at 33 when I was 14, my sister took her life at 43 in 1999 when I was 42 and my brother took his life at 40 in 2000 when I was 43. I am now 47 and it has been a very good year. I have grown internally and healed many hurts. My Recovery With DBT began a series of tool using that I never had before. I learned the art of Self-Soothing, when I was hurting...I could go into the hot bath and soak and have candles and soft music soothing my poor hurting soul. Self-Soothing was being gentle on myself, not putting pressure on myself that I knew would be counter-productive. It is a tool I use most whether for migraine, emotional distress or even anger. I also learned to DISTRACT myself from the emotional distress I was suffering at the time...I would re-pot plants, and that is called In-The-Moment, where you focus all your attention on the task at hand and it distracts you from the distress and then you even have something to show for it. I also make my own greeting cards and I would plan an afternoon of making 4 cards to send to friends who needed a pick-me-up. I felt peaceful, calm and in control after using Distracting and In-The-Moment tools. What I first used for Distraction was my little froggie...a dear friend gave him to me and it had sentimental meaning to me...so when I felt suicidal, I would pick my froggie up and look at his spots, notice his protruding eyes, his little feet, etc., and before I knew it I had distracted myself back to the present.
Also, there is something that we can all do....stop judging and just accepting things the way they are and I then free myself from having to judge it....Radical Acceptance is accepting something very big and huge that I have no control over but just accepting that it is what it is and I have no choice in the matter. Once I realized I could accept it, it freed me from judging it. Judging uses a lot of energy, non-judgment uses very little energy. Radically Accepting that my family was gone was hard and painful at first, but I began slowly, first accepting one death and writing a page or poem about it and then I would move on to the next death until I was where I began my recovery in 1992.... October was the month my father died in 1968 and when I tried to deal with it in October 1992, I got so upset that my colon burst. I had several emergency surgeries; over 20 in fact, and I was too ill to deal with my father's death... Until this year! This October and November, 2004, I was able to deal with my dad's death and abandonment even tho it was a heart attack and not on purpose. But I was mad at my dad for leaving me, not taking better care of himself, for smoking heavy, for eating greasy fried food, for not exercising, for drinking too much, etc., the list could go on and on.... But I needed to forgive my dad and free myself from the trauma of his loss and the result of his violence in the home...So I began a page writing to him and I deleted some stuff and kept other stuff...I contacted the town newspaper where he is buried and they were kind enough to get a picture of my dad's headstone for me. Finally I had a place to go to talk to my dad by looking at this headstone. I wanted to go to that town and lay on his grave, I wanted to be as close to my dad as I could be. I began slowly remembering good times, sitting on his lap, reading my grade 1 reader to him at home. Gradually, the good memories kept coming and it was of great comfort to me. I forgave my dad, not to condone his violence, but to free myself to go on with my life. In 3 months, I grew up. Before DBT I felt like a child, after DBT I felt like an adult. I freed myself from the bondage of grief by using tools in DBT Therapy. I did not complete the course of DBT due to health problems, so I will be taking the course again in the spring or summer, and I can take it as many times as I need to in order to get the tools down pat so they automatically kick in when I need them. Not everyone will use all of the DBT tools, or skills, but we will have our favorites...depending on your experience and what tools help or comfort you the best. I finally wrote the last chapter of the grief of my family losses and my intuition told me I was done. It was over. I have grieved for my family and now I can go on with my own life.
I am the oldest living member of my family at 47 and I cannot wait until my 50's as I am really beginning to live again and I just feel my 50's will be a very exciting, freeing time for me.
My dear sister and I have reconciled and are talking both on the computer and telephone. I yelled, jumped up and down, hyperventilated, "oh, oh, sue, oh my sis, oh, oh!" and she was laughing on the other end...sensing my excitement at hearing her voice for the first time in over 4 years. It was hilarious how I got so excited. But it also told her something...I was excited to hear her voice. She told me it was nice to hear my excitement. I never knew I would react like that until it happened. I promised my sister that we are adults now and I would respect her space. I would not ask personal questions. We would have healthy boundaries now and she could trust me. I even did not keep her phone number just so she knew I was giving her the space she needs to get reacquainted with me. I am happy to provide all this for my sister so we can be friends and be there for each other and talk and be excited for each other. I am so proud of my sister...she is in school...after graduating in the '80's. She went back to school to learn a job so she will have a brighter future and better job and happy job. I am so proud of my sister for feeling the fear of newness and doing it anyway. I have not had a suicidal thought for over 4 months now. Once when I did, I was scared I could not trust myself so I went to the hospital. Then in the hospital, I used my skills I had learned to get myself out of that mindset. The next time I had the suicidal thought, I was able to stay home and use my tools or skills to get myself out of it BY MYSELF. This is what DBT Therapy has done for me and it can help you too. If you are having a difficult time grieving your family member who left, please consider DBT Therapy as a tool to help you get your life back. After 36 years of pure hell, my life is happy now; I wake up and feel thankful to be alive. I am happy to have another day to do things; meet goals, talk to friends and even just to be alone with myself and self-analyze. I am comfortable spending time with myself now. Actually, it is a healthy activity to spend time alone. Another thing I began doing was exercising. It creates endorphins in your brain to make you feel good. Since 2002, I have lost 50 pounds by changing my eating habits to a new lifestyle. I have a goal to be at my ideal weight by 2008. I exercise and feel good and now I can feel the change in my body, I can fit into old clothes and I like myself a lot more. I still have an occasional binge, but I allow it and get back on track the next day. No longer to I crucify myself for falling short...I allow slip-ups now and then and am much easier on myself now. I sleep better, I dream better and I like me and life better. I hope this will encourage you who are also suffering that you can have a happy life too...it does not mean you forget the loved one who left you...it means that you embrace that loved one and go on with your life and you know they would want you to. They were just in so much pain they did not know any other way to stop the pain. But if you look into DBT Therapy, you may learn new ways to deal with your pain and even alleviate some of your pain. I also created a website to help others to know they can get through difficult times. I like to help others who need help when they feel they can go no further. Making my own WebPages has been an important part of my therapy...to get my feelings on paper and then the feelings go out of my body. It has been a very cathartic exercise to make WebPages honoring my loved ones.
Is A Special Page Of The Last Chapter In My Book Of Healing I believe they would want me to go on with my life and not be stuck in pain constantly. When I see them all again, they will be happy that I made it. And I will be happy I made it too! Thanks for listening... ©Angela Dawn Christie
Daughter to Marilynne
Sister to living sissy Sue.
Hopes for the New Year-2005 I pray that in the coming year I will find a better emotional place than where I am today. These 10+ months have been the hardest thing ever. I hope to at least be different, if not better, in the next year. I want to help others who are facing being a survivor. This being my third experience, you would think I would have some insight. I hope to find that insight this new year and share it with others.
I pray for our nation, PEACE.
Jill Goodnight-More'e
Well another year has gone and still I feel empty with out my darling son to make me laugh, It was his birthday on the 23rd of December which would have made it his 28th Birthday. and it is comming up to the date my prechious son took his life on that was the 26th January. People say to me oh how long Dale has been dead for and how I should be over him, But hey!!! who gets over loosing our babies??? I certainely don't!! My heart has got a big hole in it where my son use to fill that hole but he is no longer here to comfort me and so the hole in my heart stays open for a very long time. I see families at the beach enjoying their children, Laughing and playing and having a good time, while I sit there in my sadness wishing that I could have my children back with me to romp on the beach and have fun with.But nobody notices me with the tears in my eye's, and praying to my loved one. Praying for peace in my heart, and praying for their safe keeping in the heavens above. Love Jeanette Dale's mum
     
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