The two year anniversary of my brother's suicide is quickly approaching. Although this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to live through in my 35 years, it has also, ironically, given me much to be thankful for. I am thankful, mostly, for the 34 years I spent with my brother. Up until his death, there had not been one single moment or memory of my life that he wasn't a part of. I am also thankful for the beautiful gift he left behind, his daughter, my niece, who resembles him so much in looks and character. I am thankful that my Higher Power has presented me with so many spiritual blessings that I have learned through grieving Todd's loss. When I was in search of the greater meaning of life, the reason I was still living when Todd wasn't, God opened up a whole new world for me. I am supremely thankful that I was allowed, for whatever reasons, to have "visits" with Todd after his passing. These experiences have allowed me to continue on in my journey with peace and comfort. Above all I am thankful for the new experiences, connections and people I have come into contact with since that awful January night when I walked into his bedroom and found him. Every time I meet and connect with a fellow survivor, Todd is there. Every time I attend a conference, taskforce, or suicide support group meeting pertaining to suicide, Todd is there with me. Once upon a time my life had no meaning. I was just existing. I thought little, if nothing, about death, an afterlife or a "greater purpose." I took for granted our mortality, the importance of our relationships, the importance of "just being" in one another's company. I am thankful I'm able to help others in their own suffering, if only just to sit with them and hold their hand, instead of fading quickly and quietly in the background, afraid I would say or do the wrong thing. Yes, I have much to be thankful for this year, but mostly I am thankful that Todd is still here with me...the memories didn't stop the day he died...when I volunteer to drop off Thanksgiving baskets this year, Todd will be with me, for it is because of him I will do it. His memory will live forever in my heart and through my hands.
I'm thankful for my 4 remaining chilren, my 13 grandchildren and my 2
great grandchildren, for my home for my church family,the love from both familys, for this group, and all of you wonderful ones, who know im here and feel the same as I do, lost with 2 identities, one for out side people, and one Im struggling to find, ME.... by the grace of God is in here some where...Trusting blindly some times... that, I will get a life again.
Thankful to be here, survived, for my children if they should need me.
With thanks,
ALAN'S MAM
13, Sep. 74 - 17, Nov. 95
I am thankful for my husband, Jan, who is so strong, and holding our family together. I am thankful for our daughter, Lauren, who is a bundle of energy and is so loveable and adorable in her own personailty. I am thankful for the POS and my local SOS group...my 'new' friends help me to get through everyday of this grief. I am thankful for the 16 years I had with Wayne..and those 16 years of memories I now treasure so deeply. I am thankful that my 'place' in life is moving in ways that will help other survivors. I am thankful for SMHAI ..and Brenda for being courageous enough to step out and make SMHAI happen.
I personally have never liked Thanksgiving. I always thought it was a glutinous holiday. Even when Alex was alive it was one holiday we did not really "do". Oh we did it but it was not one of our favorite holidays and we did not put much heart into it. We would mostly end up going out to eat. Yeah that's bad! Last year was my first year without my Alex and it was tough. I was 1,000 miles away from family and friends and was alone and drunk for Thanksgiving and didn't give a damn about anything and pretty much stayed drunk till the beginning of the year!
This year is the beginning of a new tradition. I am going to celebrate Thanksgiving twice. My parents are going to be out of state with my brother and his family for Thanksgiving so we are having Thanksgiving on the 20th. I will be introducing Sal's daughter, who is 11, to my family and we will all be together, yes Alex will not be there and yes it won't be the same but it will be different because I WILL MAKE IT DIFFERENT!
I am thankful for having the wonderful family I have. My dad and mom who are always ready to support me in any way possible. My daughter Leah who never ceases to be there when I need her, showering me with little gifts when I am down, to brighten my day, my brothers who never cease to help me out with their kind, gentle sometimes tear filled words.
Most of all I am thankful for the wonderful man in my life - Sal. He is helping me and holding me up on this rough journey. He never questions my tears he is always a phone call away when I think I am going to lose it. I am thankful that he shares his beautiful, sweet little girl with me who can brighten my day just by making me feel wanted and needed. Him and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving on the 25th with friends.
Yes, I will be sad, I will hurt and I will cry that my boy is not here to gnaw on his designated turkey leg, but I will be sober and I will make this day special. I hope one day I will be able to approach a holiday without melancholy but for now it is what it is. I am thankful for what I do have - a circle of people who care and hold me up - in real life and by Internet. I am thankful for my SD-POS group on line they are the ones who see me through no matter what. Thank you all! Happy Thanksgiving and may you all find a slice of peace/comfort pie with real whipped cream on top in this glutinous day!!!
Missing you my gentle giant!
Debbie - Alex's Momy
08/03/88 - 04/11/03
The holiday centerpiece is not a part of Pat's Graphics.
